I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
