Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
