you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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