Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
