I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
