Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I pour the whiskey from now on
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
