I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
