Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
