She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
