I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
