Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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