Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
