1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Drunk is a universal language darling
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
