i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
