u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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