I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My breasts were aching with rage.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
