guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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