Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
The feeling are messing with the penis
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
