what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
