Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
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The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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