Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
