got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
