I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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