Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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