and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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