One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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