After last night, I could never be a politician.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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