at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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