I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
