I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
