It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
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What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
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