If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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