Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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