half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
