i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
