I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Randomize
