Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
