I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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