Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
