last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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