And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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