I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Randomize
