Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
