I wish I could punch you in the face.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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