Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
