I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
