Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
