something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
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He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
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lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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