I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
