yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
