At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
