A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
