You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
This baby is an asshole
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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