If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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